I was reading another blog, a submissive woman. One who talks about Biblical submission. I’d link, but I can’t find the post again. If you read this, link in the comments, ok?
In the comments of her blog, was a man who was apparently having a bad day. He made many comments. Talking about how he hated submissive women. How a man had no reason to respect her opinion if she didn’t respect herself enough to fight for it. How he hated passive women. How sex with a submissive woman would be horrible because they just lay there passively. How if he had a submissive wife he would talk to her like this “Make me a sandwich, shut up, get naked, we’re having sex now.” and the fact submissive women allow men to talk to them like this is horrible. And, when the woman countered all his arguments, he ended with “Can you not see the irony in you arguing with me? How could I even trust you to be submissive when you don’t know when to shut your mouth?”
Oh…I think we see the irony alright.
He was mad that the submissive woman who had no opinions and never argued for what she believed had an opinion and fought for what she believed. He was mad that a woman would shut up when told to, and then didn’t shut up when she was told to. He was mad that he doesn’t own a thesaurus, and couldn’t read that submissive and passive were not synonymous.
That’s the thing. Most of us submit to our spouses/significant others. We don’t submit to everyone. We don’t submit to every man. I submit to the one man I have chosen to submit to. The man I knew, and found worthy of being my leader.
If my husband EVER spoke to me the way the commenter said he’d speak to his wife, first of all, I would laugh, because obviously it is a joke, right? Playing up the stereotype. Then, I would make a sandwich and fuck his brains out, because, I think it’s sexy when he’s funny. If he said it in seriousness, we’d need to have a talk. And, I would tell him so. He could pick when, but we’re talking. Or at least, he’s getting an e-mail explaining why I didn’t appreciate it.
And, I must have missed the memo about this ruining our sex life. Because ours is pretty awesome. Far better than any sex I had before I became “passive”
And finally, apparently this man was upset that we don’t fight with our spouses. Which, is absurd. The fights may be quieter and more respectful, but I have read enough blogs here about “fights” to know, it happens. It may not even look like a fight to anyone else, but, it happens. it may not even be called a fight, but, it happens.
Last night, I was reading a blog to Husband and said something about the woman’s behavior, that it just wouldn’t work for me. I believe the word “Fiery” was used to describe me. Not passive.
He is under the assumption that because we are willing to yield to our other half when needed that the other person must not value our opinions or ideas. But why is it ok for us to be bull-headed and bossy, then, aren’t we not valuing the husband?
I think, if people stop seeing themselves as so spectacular, they would have fewer problems. I think if people realized where their priorities really were, submission wouldn’t seem like such a bad thing.
I can’t remember if I’ve blogged about this before, but, I’ll share it now. We have banned anyone in this house from saying “It’s no big deal.” or “I don’t see what the big deal is.” If Husband and I are arguing because I buy coffee 4 days a week and he is working on the budget and wants me to stop, I can either a. give reasons why I shouldn’t stop and we can discuss it. Or, b. I can stop. I can not say “I don’t see what the big deal is.” and continue on with buying the coffee. Because, if I don’t see what the big deal is, then why can’t I/won’t I stop? If it is truly no big deal and that is the only reason I can come up with, then the only reason to continue is to be selfish, to hurt him, or to assert power. None of those have much place in my marriage. There are two identical gas stations across the street from each other in town. Same stuff, same prices, etc. If a girl at station A is flirting with my husband, I can ask him to stop and tell him I don’t like this. He has the same options I did. But, he cannot say “It’s not a big deal, get over it.”
If it isn’t a big deal to you, then you change. Because obviously it isn’t a big deal, right? Shouldn’t be too difficult. If I think it is a big deal, and you don’t, then you are choosing to hurt me, for something that doesn’t matter. If the kids think breaking our rule is no big deal, then they shouldn’t have a problem following it either, if the rule matters so little.
And, I think knowing that is part of why this submissive wife rarely argues with her husband. Because, if it’s a big deal, we speak our minds and come up with a solution. If it’s only a big deal to one person, than that person “wins”.
The first example that comes to mind is a boat we bought. Steve wanted a boat SO badly. A speedboat. Steve doesn’t even swim, and he isn’t crazy about he sun, but, it was not a big deal to me if we owned a boat, and I was even kind of excited about it. It was the end of the summer when he decided he needed it NOW, to go out at least once before it got too cold. I told him I didn’t agree. I told him if he really wanted one, we should wait until people started winterizing and didn’t want to put the money into something they didn’t use all summer. We’d probably get a better deal. I grew up with boats, I know a little bit here. But, he was adamant that he needed one now. Again, I thought he was wrong, but, we had the money and if it was that important to him, it really wasn’t to me. So, I helped him look. We found one. It looked decent, and had a huge engine. And, Steve was really excited. We had to buy it, today! I was not excited about it. I thought it was probably a bad decision. But, like i said before, we had the money, and he wanted it so badly, that because it really was no big deal, we bought it. We took it out once. It left us stranded in the middle of a huge lake. We got back to the truck horrendously sunburned. We broke the prop even more pulling it out of the lake. It now sits at my parents, kind of worthless, needing several thousand dollars in work. I never really say much about it. I made my opinion clear. It didn’t really matter to me if he bought the boat. So, I could have fought with him, we could have argued. I could have acted superior and told him I knew more than he did. And, what would that have gotten me? A pissy husband with hurt feelings. He probably would have still bought it anyway, because he’s an adult with his own money. And, he would have felt he had to prove something, and I would have been made a resentful because he didn’t listen and now my parents have a $2000 lawn ornament. When it broke I could have danced around saying “I told you so.” How is ANY of that better than how it actually played out? If we both felt very strongly on opposite sides of buying this, then who gives in? and, you know what? I was quiet, and I submitted, and I helped get the broken boat loaded up, and I’ve never rubbed it in his face, so, he doesn’t have to save any face. And, now, when it comes to anything with horsepower, guess whose opinions get taken incredibly seriously? What I say actually gets far more weight now than what he thinks, because, I never made him feel like he has to prove something to me, that he’s a car guy, that he’s an adult, that he’s in charge.
I just love though, that all these submissive women can run things, they can go against a whole society that tells us we’re wrong, we’re happy, we’re in good relationships. And, yet, we’re still stupid because we’re passive and we’re doormats and we’ll probably be abused. I’m not the one working for min. wage at McDonalds because I’ve went through my 4th husband and I must have my own money and have a job, any job. Because society says so.