Try Again

I helped B set up a Tinder profile. Find pictures where he looked hot. Somehow most women on dating sites are all cute and happy. Men post photos that look like the last known footage of them. I was trying to help him avoid that.  I know he’s looking more for hookups in whatever town he’s working in.

Soooo…I went to see R yesterday. He met me at the door, and pushed me up against the wall. I pulled away from his kisses after a few minutes and said “Boy, you aren’t wasting any time.” He said he wanted me and pushed me down the hall.

I love talking to him. I love making out with him. The foreplay is really good. But, after last time I was a little nervous about the sex. So, in my head, I’m kinda thinking “Can’t we just be friends who go down on each other once in awhile?” But, we decided to try again anyway.

It was SO much better this time. I admit, it wasn’t amazing, or mind-blowing. But it was good. It was enjoyable. I need to ask him next time if a couple of the things he does are for me, or for him, because, if it’s for me, he needs to stop it. Switching positions a whole bunch, getting close, then stopping. Dude, you already got me off. Multiple times. I’m good. The sex doesn’t need to last forever. But, the friendship is good, the chemistry is unbelievable, so, we’ll keep seeing each other.

It’s a weird thing to navigate though. All of the “steps” you are supposed to follow in a relationship don’t really apply here. I mean, it is a relationship…and we’re 7 months into this thing, where there isn’t an end goal. I’ve got these two parallel relationships, where they know about each other, they ask about each other. So, I can talk to B about R and R about B. But…neither of them wants to know certain things. And, they definitely don’t want to meet. But, if they do accidentally, they are fine with it. I can’t figure out HOW they would run into each other accidentally, but, stranger things have happened.

B, if you are reading this, stop now, we may be venturing into TMI territory.

My first husband did not do oral. At all. Like, he was fine with receiving but not giving. Well, then I was single and had a lot of hookups. And, a lot of those guys were happy to give, but, I only saw them once, or once in awhile. Then, I met B. And, he outright told me he would happily give up blowjobs if it meant he never had to give oral. Well, I like giving blow jobs, so I continued. And, honestly, I wondered if he’d change his mind. Because most the guys who I knew who hated it were in their 20s. Guys in their 30s were all about it. So, I bet on this, when I met 26 yr old B.

I was right. He eventually was willing to try for a little bit. the little bit got longer. Then he wasn’t just trying, he was enjoying. So, now, at 34, he actually will just do it, like, that’s all he wants to do on his lunch break, then he has to get back to work. So, this past weekend, he did that for me every day. It was 3 days in a row. And, I made the joke that I had never had 3 days in a row before. I could get used to that. And, he was proud of himself for breaking the “record”.

Well, yesterday I left R. The record is now 4 days in a row. I always assumed the consecutive days would be with the same guy. Apparently I was wrong. lol.

8 yrs

For 8 yrs It’s just been B and I. He was my last first.

Yesterday I met up with R. We talked a lot over the last couple weeks. We knew we weren’t meeting up just to talk. He said he wasn’t sure I’d make it entirely through the door before he started kissing me. He was right. We kissed as we walked to the room. We touched, kissed, licked, whatever we wanted.

And the whole time I was thinking “Ok, there is definitely something to be said for being with somebody who knows you. This is fun, but he’s not B.” R was good with his hands and his mouth, but, he was the first person that wasn’t B in 8 yrs.

He told me he wanted me. I told him I wanted him too. So, we tried.

And, it was really pretty bad. Things were not working right. And, I was too wet and he couldn’t stay hard. And, honestly we spent more time giggling and saying “ok, let’s try this…” than we did actually having sex. We tried different positions, and somehow still did them wrong. And, it’s not like we are two 16 yr olds just trying to figure it out. I’ve been married twice, and slept my way through most of my old hometown. He’s 43 and I know he’s got some experience too.

So, I guess we can just focus on the good. The fact that we could laugh about it. The fact even failing as bad as we did it didn’t get awkward. We both did orgasm, so, it wasn’t all bad. We got dressed, and he sat down on a recliner, I sat on his lap and we kept making out, and eventually fell asleep, cuddled up. That was really nice, actually.

He texted me pretty quickly after I left. I think we’re still good. I don’t know if we’ll try that again, or just be friends who like to periodically make out. He implied he’d like to try again. I went home and talked to B, we’re good too. I think he’s patting himself on the back a little bit. But I told him, when he finds somebody to hook up with, not to count on it being amazing. It might be, but it might not be as well. I guess we’ll see.

Unexpected Turn

How do I even begin explaining things?

I’ve always been open to the idea of non-monogamy. And, we’ve discussed it a lot over the years.Often listing off the rules we’d have, or what we wanted. But, ultimately, it was never really a thing more than a fantasy. And, we were cool with that.

B travels full time for work, which leaves me with time on my hands when the kids go to bed. I found a chat room awhile back. It isn’t quite like the old ones, but, it’s not bad to waste some time in a few evenings a month. B knew I was chatting. He knew about 95% of the guys ended up blocked within the first few minutes. The rest were people who could hold a conversation for the evening, but, I never spoke to again. After a couple months I get a message from R. We don’t talk long, maybe 20 minutes before he says he’s headed to bed, but, wants to keep talking to me. Do I have a texting app? I do, I give him the name. This was the end of August. I figure he’ll be an ass and end up blocked soon enough. And instead he says “good morning” every morning and just randomly chats to me, throughout the day. Every day.

It’s October, I still don’t know what he looks like. He doesn’t know what I look like. I think maybe he kinda likes me. And I kinda like him. One day I’m in kind of a pissy mood, and B asks why. When I really think about it, I realize I had a slight crush on this guy, and for whatever reason, I hadn’t heard from him all day. I acknowledge this was kind of silly. For all I really knew he could be some sort of 65 yr old Santa Clause double, but, it was what it was.

When I dyed my hair purple, I asked if he wanted a picture. He said yes. So, I sent one. And, he responded with “you look exactly like you did in my head.” Ok, well, that wasn’t really a compliment or anything. But, sure. Ok, this crush was/is one-sided. Then he sent me a picture. And he looked like Ryan Reynolds.

But, after this, he gets a little more flirty, I think. He talks a little more. Every day. End of November I’m gonna be in his area, and he wants to meet up. So, I go see him. He sent me a very good picture, he’s cute, but not quite Ryan Reynold’s double. That’s fine, of course you are gonna send a good pic, and it wasn’t even misrepresenting. He looked like his pic. We spend basically 5 hours talking. He hugs me when I go to leave. That’s as far as it goes.

By now, B is calling R my boyfriend. Which is absurd. We’re friends. Buddies. Pals. I think he’s cute, but I don’t think he’s into me. B is like “Uh, no, he’s into you.” Flirting continues to pick up. B wants to know how into R I am. I tell him the truth, if I was single, I’d sleep with R.

It’s January, and we aren’t even pretending we aren’t flirting anymore. B knows it all. The hypothetical open marriage scenario is thrown out there again. We’ve had this talk so many times, I don’t think anything about it. Apparently B really was. And, 2(?) weeks ago he tells me, he’s fine with it. If I want to sleep with R, I can. He wants me to be careful, but, that’s his one big thing.

It completely threw me for a loop. I wasn’t looking to sleep with R. I know I’m married, and marriage means not dating. A few days of me basically panicking, and B reassuring, and I decided to see just where R and I are. So, I’m not really subtle with the flirting now. He invites me over again.

I go to the house, and I won’t go into all the details, because B reads this and he doesn’t want to know everything. But, R and I talked for awhile. Then he was holding my hands, kissing me. It turned into a long heated make-out session. I was nervous, he was respectful, never pushed for anything. I eventually left and drove home, worrying the whole time. I got home, and it was a complete non-issue.

So, I guess I have a boyfriend now. And B and R know about each other, and ask how the other one is doing. And, it’s a little weird. But, I think I like it.

New Year’s Resolution

Every year for the last few years I’ve picked a “guide word” more than a New Year’s resolution. The first was Intentional. And that was a really good word. The next was balance, and I didn’t do so well. Last year was progress. It wasn’t as good as intentional, but, better than balance. So, I need a 2018 word. Current ideas are

  • Enough
  • Rise
  • Acceptance
  • Congruent
  • Consistent
  • Pause
  • Release
  • Capable

All of them are words that I can see areas of my life that need improvement on. But, none of them really jump out at me.

In other news, I have a foster dog. This is Kody.


He needs a home for Christmas. Preferably with somebody who wants to play tug-of-war all morning and nap all afternoon. He’s 70 pounds and 2 yrs old.

Also, I have pink hair now.



With Friends Like That

I’ve asked my sister to leave us alone. My kid’s went up to visit their dad for Thanksgiving, and apparently she’s befriended his new wife, so that way she can see my kids and get around me. She makes my kids uncomfortable, she’s just doing this because I told her not to. My ex is not going to support me in this. So, I messaged her “Is there a reason you can’t leave my family alone?” I got back a 10 paragraph e-mail telling me that it is HER family and she will do whatever she wants. That she can’t leave me alone, because I’m obsessed with her. She’s glad I left because that means she can tell everyone the “truth” about me, and I’m not there to refute it. Oh, and also, everyone who has ever met me hates me. Then, because she cares so much about my family, she blocked me. As did my mother after this.

So, ummm…I’m hurting a lot right now.

Plus, it’s ridiculous anyway. Not everyone hates me, some people merely dislike me.

Written In The Sand


I heard this song this morning.

If it had existed 7 yrs ago, it would have been Brad’s ringtone.

Because this was basically how I felt for months in the beginning. I have a journal entry from almost exactly 7 yrs ago, to the date, where I was wondering the same things.

I’m happy to say though, I’m pretty sure now  I can say we are written in the stars. It’s a tattoo’d name, it’s dancing in the kitchen. This is my favorite song right now.


Psycho Sister

Good news! I am down to yearly MRIs, I don’t have to get them every 6 months, because I’ve been stable so long!

In other news, I have briefly mentioned my sister. We’re going to refer to her as ES. (Evil Sister.) she’s 5 yrs younger than me? Maybe. When we were growing up, my parents would leave me to babysit, and would leave a list of chores that had to be done before they got home (not doing them meant bruises, broken objects, and being grounded from church, the ONE time a week I got to leave the house), I’d split up the chores, and ES would flat out refuse, knowing I would do them all. I’d tell my parents, and they would say the important thing was the chores got done.

Fast forward. I’m 19, married, pregnant with my 2nd baby. She’s 14/15-ish. Exhusband and I go swimming at my parents. She jumps in the pool, climbs all over my husband, tries to dunk him under water, ends up his face buried in her boobs. I tell them both to knock it off. He says he can’t stop her. She says I’m just jealous, and they basically continue their foreplay for the years until I divorce him.

I get a divorce, now she is telling anyone who will listen what a huge slut I am because I have condoms in the medicine cabinet, and I work in a bar. Literally steals my car keys so I can’t get to work, because she’s protecting my soul from my vagina.

She gets married, and her and her husband Mike, have the bestest, most Christian, God-blessed marriage in all of history, and if you ever make a choice differently, you are doomed, and stupid.

She cheats on Mike, a bunch. They get divorced. Another woman’s husband gets her pregnant, she goes running back to Mike, they get married a month after the divorce. She has kid. Mike’s name on birth certificate. She is cheating again. She is pregnant again, they are divorced again, she’s getting married next month. She’s been divorced for 6 weeks.

Are you getting the picture yet? She’s just a crappy person.

She tries to add my Son13 on Facebook, maybe a year ago. I block her. Basically all her posts are about the sanctity of marriage. How immigration is ruining our country. How gay marriage is the reason for hurricanes. How atheists are the reason for school shootings. etc. So, I’m a bi-atheist-chick, married to an immigrant, and I’m not in the mood to have to defend myself all day, every day, especially from her attacks. S13 doesn’t like her anyway. And, I think she is a terrible influence in general.

She tries to go around and keep talking with him. I video message Mike (they were still married) because she has me blocked on everything. Mike and I were friends. I genuinely cared about him. And, I explain, I’m everything she hates, and I want her to leave my family alone. I know this probably means we can’t talk anymore, and I’m sorry. I’m a little teared up at this point. Whatever.

Fast forward. I realize I’ve been deleted by several family members on Facebook. People I don’t generally have a problem with. The few family members I am in contact with never comment on anything I post, never like anything. Ok, whatever. I’ve been posting more political stuff lately, and I know our politics are different, so, I assume that’s it.

My brother comes to visit me last week. He has his wife, and 2 kids with him. His wife is sweet, but, naive, and very chatty. So, she babbles on all day. And, she starts talking about evil sister. And, how unfair SIL thinks everyone has been to me.


Turns out, Evil Sister is SO MAD I’m keeping my kids from her, she has demanded everyone in the family take sides or they will never see her kids again. And, they need to choose her because I moved 700 miles away, so, we’re gone anyway, if they choose me, it will be like losing me, and my kids AND her and her family. So, she is the logical choice. And, a vast majority of my family agreed.

So, to make sure she wasn’t being lied to, she went through the phones of everyone she could get her hands on, and blocked me. On Facebook. On apps. Blocked my phone number.

And everyone is fine with this.

She took my video message to Mike, and showed to to everyone so they could make fun of me. SIL said ES had it posted to her Facebook page for awhile, because I was so lame to be crying while I said good-bye to Mike.

So, what the hell? Like, I’ll be honest, I’m hurt that everyone chose her, and to have nothing to do with me. Ok? That hurts. I haven’t done anything, except tell her she’s a bad influence and leave us alone. I wan’t trying to destroy her, or her family.

But, I’m angry. Angry I moved 700 miles away and she thinks that sides need to be chosen. What? Why? I’m not inviting everyone else to birthday partied and leaving her out. I’m not shunning her at Christmas. Nobody in my family is actually involved in my life, so, her little ultimatum was just about hurting me as much as possible. And, they let her. They let her manipulate, they chose her, instead of telling her to grow up.

I’m angry I moved away to get out of the drama, because it is actually dangerous to me, and she keeps trying to ramp it up. So, she can literally hospitalize me with her bullshit, and that’s fine. But, I’m the bad guy here because I said “No, your grown ass doesn’t need to add my 13 yr old on Facebook”

I completely removed myself from the situation, and she’s like, chasing me around to make me involved?

Fuck that shit.