Hitting Pause

The whole open thing has been paused.

I had a complete breakdown last week. Like, I don’t even know how to explain how bad it was.

And, the deal was we could be open because we were in a good place, then, suddenly, I just wasn’t anymore.

It was a very scary couple days.

We’re ok. Or, as ok as you can be. I’m not so sure I am. But, I’ll get there.

But for now the focus needs to be on me being ok, not finding dates. And my lovely husband has agreed to pause things because I come first, we come first. We weren’t trying to fix anything. Things were good before this, so, it’s not like it’s some terrible consequence.

I don’t think we’re done with it forever Just for now.

So, About Nick

Nick and I slept together…last week? Maybe? It was fun. It was fine. It was the first time, so, good is good.

We got to talking yesterday about likes and dislikes, and I told him I liked it a little rougher. He said he liked that too. Eventually I invited him over.

We watched tv, then went back to the bedroom. And, had a lot of fun, for a decent amount of time. Then, we changed positions, and Nick fucked me so hard he threw his back out.

I’m not sure if I feel bad or I’m impressed.

So, we ended up cuddling and watching tv for awhile because he could barely move. But yeah, definitely wanna see him again.

Taking Advantage of a Kid-Free Weekend

Took the boys to the airport yesterday morning to go visit their dad.

After B got off work, we went to the local bar, where we ran into the parents of the boys’ friend. They were buying jagerbombs, so, we drank with them. We drank a lot with them. They left, B started sobering up. I did not.

I got a “what you doing?” text from Nick, I replied “Shots”, he said I should come over and drink with him. I said that might be weird because I had B with me. He said bring him along. So, we drove over to Nick’s at 1am.

B had to use the bathroom, and the minute he walked out of the room, Nick and I started making out. B walked back in, saw us, and kinda ignored it.

We all kept drinking.

And that is how I wound up snuggled on the couch between B and Nick, holding hands with both of them and kissing one whenever the other walked away.

Well, I’ve Made friends, if nothing else

I feel like R and I are fizzling out. I’ve brought it up to him a few times, he tells me why he’s been so busy, and he still wants to see me. His “busy” is legit, and while we don’t live very far apart distance wise, once you account for Atlanta traffic, and the fact we live on different sides of Atlanta, it may as well be a long distance relationship. We still talk every day. But, I haven’t seen him since…March? When does it go back to “just friends”?

Then we’ve got Chris. Chris is cute, his life is a mess. Not like, anything dangerous or anything. Just very immature. He heard I like to hike. So we hike. A lot. Miles and miles, and we talk. For hours. Our 2nd meet up we went on a short (1.5-ish hrs, each way) road trip. It’s never awkwardly silent. He flirts, then when I try to sit next to him, he tries very hard to make sure we don’t touch. He kissed me last time I saw him. We’re supposed to hike today, but he is giving such mixed signals, odds are good it will just be as friends. and, that’s ok. I like having somebody to hike with.

Then there is Nick. I wrote a post about him awhile ago, but never hit publish. We hung out twice, maybe 6 weeks? a month? ago. He’s quiet, I have to pry conversation out of him in person. But, he’s happy to blow up my phone by text. I invited him over, we watched a movie…and he went home, next thing I knew he was no longer in my tinder matches. Apparently, he didn’t enjoy hanging out with me. I wasn’t upset, we tried twice, nothing came of it. He was attractive, but there are lots of attractive guys out there. So, I didn’t give it much thought. He got ahold of me Monday. Said he didn’t unmatch, he completely deleted his profile. Things got stressful and hectic in his life, and he couldn’t see how adding me to it could possibly make things less stressful, and he just deleted tinder. He knows he should have said something, but, he didn’t want me to try to change his mind. That sounds exactly like something I’d do, so I am not too upset about it. So, we’ve been talking…and he wants to get together again, and I’m kinda like “Wow, very busy right now, had lots of free time 3 weeks ago, sorry you missed it.” No, I’m not being a complete ass, he also knows my kids are home and he can just wait until they leave for the summer (which is very soon).  R and Nick both have talk slow and have a drawl and apparently that’s working for me right now.

I think I mentioned before, I assumed open marriage meant all the sex, all the time. I’m learning it doesn’t. Literally, the only thing different over the last 3 months (since I last saw R) is I flirt. The potential for more is there, though, it’s more difficult to move things along than I thought it would be. And, I’m not actually bothered by it. I’ve made a couple friends, that I wouldn’t have before.

B has a girlfriend. I’m really happy for him. Things are going pretty slow on that front as well. But, she lives a couple hundred miles away in a town he works in a lot. This whole thing is definitely a learning experience.


Unexpected Side Effect

Opening this up means we get to sleep with who we want. That’s about it, right?

You know an interesting side effect? You don’t worry your spouse is cheating. You don’t worry you are doing anything that might look bad and get back to your spouse.

We went to Six Flags with B’s friend, who was in town, and her husband and kids. Well, we split up into 2 groups, one group for roller coasters, one group not. That meant it was me, the woman’s husband, and one of each of our kids. Then everybody else was the other group.

So, I was walking around Six Flags with this attractive guy. Leaving my husband to hang out with another woman. And, I was looking at this man while we talked and waited in line, and I thought to myself “I could actually flirt with him if I wanted.” I didn’t, because I don’t want to mess up other people’s relationships. But, I could if I wanted. Then, I thought about B, and wondered if he had ever had a crush on the wife. And, maybe he did…so? He actually could do what he wanted to, without worrying I’d be upset. So, anyway, everybody had fun, we met up a few times, traded out groups for certain rides, etc. Then we went home.

So, B and I started talking. And, apparently he had the exact same moment…”I don’t have to worry about how this looks. I could have a full on makeup session right now, and it wouldn’t even matter to Kate. For all I know, she is making out with that guy. And, that’s ok.”

Nobody did anything, everybody stayed on the “just friends” level of interaction, but, just knowing how things had changed was oddly freeing.

Try, Try Again

So, because I seem to be a glutton for punishment, I met up with R again yesterday.

I don’t know what happened or why. Maybe it was all just nervousness in the beginning. But, yesterday was amazing. Amazing all three times.

Then stupid work stuff interfered and he had to go back and work more.

I mentioned him to a friend recently, in relation to a funny story, and she questioned me. “Does B know? Is he cool? JUST friends? You sure? How’d you meet him? Why’d you decide to meet in person?” etc.

I told her I met him in person because we’d been chatting and I wanted to. He was cute. I would admit that. I showed her his picture. And she responded with “uhhh huh…just friends. I don’t believe you, and I don’t blame you.”

Try Again

I helped B set up a Tinder profile. Find pictures where he looked hot. Somehow most women on dating sites are all cute and happy. Men post photos that look like the last known footage of them. I was trying to help him avoid that.  I know he’s looking more for hookups in whatever town he’s working in.

Soooo…I went to see R yesterday. He met me at the door, and pushed me up against the wall. I pulled away from his kisses after a few minutes and said “Boy, you aren’t wasting any time.” He said he wanted me and pushed me down the hall.

I love talking to him. I love making out with him. The foreplay is really good. But, after last time I was a little nervous about the sex. So, in my head, I’m kinda thinking “Can’t we just be friends who go down on each other once in awhile?” But, we decided to try again anyway.

It was SO much better this time. I admit, it wasn’t amazing, or mind-blowing. But it was good. It was enjoyable. I need to ask him next time if a couple of the things he does are for me, or for him, because, if it’s for me, he needs to stop it. Switching positions a whole bunch, getting close, then stopping. Dude, you already got me off. Multiple times. I’m good. The sex doesn’t need to last forever. But, the friendship is good, the chemistry is unbelievable, so, we’ll keep seeing each other.

It’s a weird thing to navigate though. All of the “steps” you are supposed to follow in a relationship don’t really apply here. I mean, it is a relationship…and we’re 7 months into this thing, where there isn’t an end goal. I’ve got these two parallel relationships, where they know about each other, they ask about each other. So, I can talk to B about R and R about B. But…neither of them wants to know certain things. And, they definitely don’t want to meet. But, if they do accidentally, they are fine with it. I can’t figure out HOW they would run into each other accidentally, but, stranger things have happened.

B, if you are reading this, stop now, we may be venturing into TMI territory.

My first husband did not do oral. At all. Like, he was fine with receiving but not giving. Well, then I was single and had a lot of hookups. And, a lot of those guys were happy to give, but, I only saw them once, or once in awhile. Then, I met B. And, he outright told me he would happily give up blowjobs if it meant he never had to give oral. Well, I like giving blow jobs, so I continued. And, honestly, I wondered if he’d change his mind. Because most the guys who I knew who hated it were in their 20s. Guys in their 30s were all about it. So, I bet on this, when I met 26 yr old B.

I was right. He eventually was willing to try for a little bit. the little bit got longer. Then he wasn’t just trying, he was enjoying. So, now, at 34, he actually will just do it, like, that’s all he wants to do on his lunch break, then he has to get back to work. So, this past weekend, he did that for me every day. It was 3 days in a row. And, I made the joke that I had never had 3 days in a row before. I could get used to that. And, he was proud of himself for breaking the “record”.

Well, yesterday I left R. The record is now 4 days in a row. I always assumed the consecutive days would be with the same guy. Apparently I was wrong. lol.