Heck of a Month

Checking in.

I told my parents to get lost and not to come back, about 6 weeks ago. They are now telling people everything I say is a lie and I’m trying to get their kids taken away.

The straw that broke the camels back was my dad screaming, in my back yard, that I do drugs. (if this sounds familiar, I’m sorry. I can’t remember if i posted this or not.)

My tattoo is healing up nicely.

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My youngest son broke his wrist on Friday night.

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Before this though, we discovered, we really love hiking.

My stint as soccer coach ends this Saturday, and I’m really kind of bummed.

My brother in law moved in with us back toward the end of July. I have an evil sister, who has spent YEARS trashing me, calling me a whore and a slut, telling people how terrible I was/am. Well, one Sunday she shows up here, doing damage control. Her husband, Mike, found out she was cheating, for like, the 6th time. And, he left her. I said “Sorry you screwed up.” that wasn’t the reaction she was looking for, because she is deeply in love with her affair partner, apparently. Did I mention he is also married, and his wife is 8 months pregnant? When evil sister left, we called Mike, he came over and has been on the sofa since then. It isn’t too bad, he works a lot, and he has an apartment lined up, just waiting for things to get straightened out there.

Finally, I will repost something I wrote to someone else, just because, I need to talk and process, and don’t have anywhere else to put it.

I have an aunt, my mom’s sister, who seems to like to be in the middle of drama, she tells a lot of info that is really not any of her business, on the basis of keeping everyone informed. I know this. So when she wrote to me the other day to ask how things were, I wrote back a nice long e-mail. About our anniversary trip, about my tattoo, about my youngest son’s broken wrist, asked about her family, etc. I also knew she was fishing for other information, so I said Mike was staying here, it’s been an adjustment, but I actually see very little of him, so it hasn’t been too bad. He mainly talks to Brad, because they are buddies.

I got back an e-mail. More probing questions, asking me about things that happened awhile back, things I know she already knows about. I replied with minimal information, basically agreeing to things she already knew happened, reiterating, I was the worst person to go to for information. She asked about the whole thing about my biological father. I gave a very quick run down, stating clearly, that I was not involved with it, I don’t know what was said, who was told what. I didn’t care to be involved, and I wanted to know nothing.

I got back a long e-mail telling me how she knew this would happen, how I should have been told sooner (I was like, 4 when I found out. She somehow thinks I didn’t know until last year). How she knew this was why my mom hated her, because she believed in telling me the truth, not hiding it.

And then, she proceeded to give me a lot of information. A lot of irrelevant crap. Yes, I could have figured out I was conceived in April, thanks for that.

And then was condescending with “Well, technically Lee IS your father, he adopted you. He just isn’t your biological father, so saying you know he isn’t your father isn’t exactly correct.”

Yeah…I knew that too. I thought the important part had been conveyed, I don’t need to be talked down to.

and, she ended with “Well, if you ever change your mind, I can tell you everything. Your bio father’s name, where he lives, or all about your half-brothers and half-sisters.”
I read that and have been a wreck since then. I didn’t want to know anything. I didn’t want to talk about it. I’m more upset about this than I am about the fact nobody in my family cares to speak to me.

This was the day after Mike brought it up that my parents wanted him to let me know, if I was going to go looking for bio dad, I needed to take a guy with me, because he was abusive and terrible. And, I told Mike I didn’t want to know anything, before he said that. That’s when he went “well, it’s probably for the best…XYZ.”

Look, I’ve spent my whole life being told I was so stuck up, and had no common sense because I was too smart, and I thought I was better than everyone if I used proper grammar. My family is a bunch of rednecks, for lack of a better description. I’ve never fit in, ever.

I’ve spent almost 30 yrs consoling myself with the fact I wasn’t completely related. Maybe bio left for Harvard and he didn’t want a baby to ruin his life. Maybe he’s some genius doctor taking care of poor people in Africa. Maybe I was conceived on a one night stand and will never know I’m secretly a Russian princess. Ok, I’ve never actually thought THAT one. But, in my head, I had decided Bio was a stupid kid, who got scared and ran away, realized his mistake and was a great person and a great father for a couple years to a couple kids, before he was killed in a motorcycle accident one night. I can understand being scared and running away. I can understand learning from your mistakes. Of course nobody ever wondered about me, he’s dead.

Except he’s not. And, I feel abandoned all over again.

And now i know, there is at least 5 more people who don’t give a shit about me.

Thanks for your loving honesty Kris and Mike.

Kris did end her e-mail with this was why i was her and her husband’s favorite, because I’d been through so much, starting the day I was born my life has been turmoil, but I’ve always been caring and loving. That’s why it was important to tell me the truth.

But, I wasn’t dealing with any turmoil until that…

I haven’t responded. How can I even respond to this? I can’t, she doesn’t know my life well enough to know that her “help” has left me devastated, and I can’t even explain it well without launching into a 3 week, 24 hour a day, lecture.

So, I’ll ignore it.

Me assuming my bio was a nice dead guy wasn’t hurting anybody though. So, how was “I don’t want to know anything” unclear? Why tell me anything?

2 thoughts on “Heck of a Month

  1. belovedalways says:

    Ugh. Everybody has one of these ‘helpful’ people in their life. I’ve found it best in my life to handle mine by giving monosyllabic answers to questions that I’m asked and then redirecting the conversation by asking them questions about themselves. Works most every time. I’m strongly anti-busybody.

    I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. (((((hug)))) Good to know you can safely vent here!

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