Just…Tired

I told Steve last night, I was thankful for all the traveling we’ve had this year, because that has broken up a lot of bad. I feel slightly on the edge of a mental breakdown, and I don’t even want to think of where I’d be if I wasn’t regularly running away. It has just been a very, very hectic year. With a lot of stressful stuff.

Can I whine for a few minutes? I’ve tried so hard to have a good attitude, but, I’m tired. And, with the holidays coming up, I’m reminded of a lot.

This year started with all the married adults in my family going on a cruise, my sister bought them for Christmas last year. Except for us. We got a board game, and a 2 week babysitting job. This was also when my mom asked me if I was willing to move in with Grandpa, because they asked everyone they thought would be a good fit and everyone said no, so that just left me.

I had all that dental work done, and a good portion of my own teeth removed. Which makes me feel really ugly, and old.

My birthday party, where my parents screamed about how I was a drug addict, in front of my neighbors, some who won’t even talk to me anymore now. Where they said hitting your kids with belts until the bruise and vacuum cords is not abuse. Where they said that there was nothing neglectful about our education. My 18 yr old brother can’t read, but damn it, he’s a Christian. Then, they went home and told everyone that they were leaving me alone for 12 yrs that way I wouldn’t get their 6 yr old taken away.

Oh, how about when my 23 yr old brother sat at dinner at our table and explained why it was ok for him to use women, because they were all worthless whores anyway if they’d been with more that X amount of people. X amount is about a third of the people I’ve been with. Then, he told us about the 14 yr old he fucked when his wife left, but it was ok, because she was a whore. I couldn’t get him to give me ANY more info about this girl, and I feel terrible about it.

My brother-in-law moved in to our already small house, for a little over a month. And, for that month I stayed up talking and comforting him until 2am, 3 am, every night. While my sister made snide remarks (and still does) implying that there is something inappropriate about our relationship. There isn’t. Never has been.

I ran into my mom. I tried to walk away. She chased me. Through the store, through the parking lot. Screaming “Why won’t you talk to me?”, “I have no idea what we ever did to you.” I got to my car and said “Well, we can start with you guys screaming I did drugs.” she screamed “We never said that. We never thought that.” When I pointed out the half dozen people who could back me up, she told me I was delusional, I was bitter, I was a bad person. I needed to get therapy and to deal with my anger issues. I needed to learn to forgive. I was a hateful, bitter woman, and she “hoped that one day I could grow enough as a person to forgive and more on.” I got in my car and drove away.

Mike told his cheating x that I was gonna change my name to Katie, and my sister called and bitched me out, and went off about how I can’t do that. This is just me trying to separate myself. This is another example of me thinking I’m better than everyone, and that’s not ok.

I had two uncles die within 2 weeks of each other in October. Nobody told me. I found out on Facebook. Luckily, in time for the funerals. At one funeral, my cousin’s wedding was brought up, I said we hadn’t gotten an invite. Apparently, to save on postage, they gave my invite to my parents, who assured him they would give it to me. Knowing they wouldn’t. At one funeral, my 9 yr old brother ran to me, hugged me, begged to come visit. I told him I love him, he could come visit with my 2 teenage brothers. That’s when his dad stomped into the doorway, and yelled at him, IN THE VIEWING ROOM, to get away from me, and not to talk to me anymore.

I found out my ex husband is engaged. which, great, he likes being in a relationship. Sometimes 2 or 3 at a time. But, the woman he is marrying is nasty, and mean to the kids. And, I can’t do anything about it.

I saw my sister, not the cheating one, she is pregnant, and she was trying to pressure me into throwing her a baby shower.

3 weeks ago, my mom’s other sister, not Kris, wrote to me. Telling me everything about my biological father. She started off with “You’ll probably hate me, but I think you need to know all this.” and went on. I tried not to read it, but I read too much. And, right after that I end up in the hospital, where I get diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (completely out of the blue), and my flare up was probably brought on by stress.

Which then brings with it all the medical bills for a 5 day stay in the hospital.

Before this though, I was sad and missing family, and reached out to my married cousin (on my dad’s side). Who I have always been close to. I wanted to go out for lunch, and I know he’s had a bit of a rough year as well. He lives about an hour away, so going for lunch requires a bit of a plan. We went back and forth about how to make this happen. Then he said something like “I want to see your tattoo” I said “You’ll have to wait for summer, you can’t see it in pants, only in shorts.” and he said “well, I guess I’ll have to get you out of them than.” WHAT.THE.HELL.?!?! So I told that was not ok, and haven’t spoken to him again.

Now, here we are, the day before Thanksgiving. I have parents, and a dozen siblings. And, have been fed for 3 decades about how big families are so great, you’ll always have somebody, holidays are so special, etc. We (meaning the 4 of us) had our Thanksgiving tonight. Tomorrow, I will drop the boys off with Joe, where there will have the whole traditional thing, and Steve and I (and apparently Mike) will go to IHOP.

Christmas is coming, and I’m not motivated to do anything. We haven’t even started shopping yet. I feel sad, lonely, abandoned. I’m trying to tell myself that every interaction I’ve had this year has reinforced that walking away was the right choice, but I still can’t help but wonder why this is ok. Why it is easier to shout at me in a Dollar Tree parking lot (god I sound like white trash don’t I?) than it is to say “You are right, we probably didn’t need to hit our children with a vacuum cord.”?

I’m sad, and tired. And, upset. And, trying so hard not to be, because getting worked up will just put me back in the hospital.

Steve keep saying how he thought not having to do holidays with my family would be less stressful, but I’m still stressed. I think, since this is the first year, I’m still adjusting, and that is causing the stress. It probably will be better next year.

And, for the record, I think I’m making huge strides in the forgiveness department. But, that doesn’t mean I need to allow these toxic people into my life any longer. I’ve been trying to run away from them since I was in grade school. I finally succeeded. But, it’s an adjustment.

 

One thought on “Just…Tired

  1. You have had a crazy year and being sick was the topper. Stop, take a deep breath, be happy that you have your husband (hopefully alone) for dinner tomorrow. Enjoy the down time. Be Thankful for him, your kids, your clarity, your travel and your game plan for continuing with MS. All you can do is make the best life for yourself and your family unit for the future. Sending a HUG!

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