Progress, Everywhere

For the first time in a decade, I stepped on the scale, and the first number was a one.

I sent a text to my husband saying “Congratulations. Last weekend was the last time you will have sex with anyone over 200 pounds.”

I am so excited about this, I spent the last year thinking I would never get here. I still want to lose 50 more, but, just to see that 1 was hugely motivating.

I talked with Joe (My ex-husband) about moving. He stayed pretty chill, asked a few questions, his girlfriend asked a few questions, seemed like he was leaning toward allowing a move. The GF and his sister seem like they will be pushing toward allowing it. I also ran the idea past his mother, because I didn’t want her to get second hand info from my Ex. She got pissy about it. “And just how will YOU make sure Joe can still have a relationship with HIS children?” blah blah blah, I explained I have no support system here, I do have one in Atlanta. “Who do you have in Atlanta?”…”Brad’s entire family.”…”Oh yeah, and just how much family can he even have down there?” so, we named off 30 people or so.

To compare, I asked Sue (Ex-mother in law) to watch the kids for an afternoon so I could catch a flight, April 30. Joe will pick them up after work. I asked her 2 months ago. I’m still waiting for an answer. Now, we’ve been invited to Brad’s sister’s wedding in June (in Atlanta). We planned on going. Sunday night, we get a phone call from his dad telling us that sis is only having adults. She had not made that clear and dad knew it. So he said “I’m excited about you guys coming down, don’t worry about the boys or the dog, we handled it. Dawn is coming down from Kennesaw to watch them all so you can enjoy the wedding.” Dawn is his wife’s sister. Who I’ve met once.

Sue and her husband have been to fewer of the boys soccer games than Brad Sr. and Wife have been. The kids were playing soccer 2 years before Brad’s dad started coming up to see us.

I didn’t say it to Sue, because I’m not causing a problem at this point. But, Joe only sees the boys about 1/3 of the time he is entitled to. He only comes to 25%-50% of their ball games. He’s never taken them to the doctor, he drops them off at home at the sign of a fever. He doesn’t call them. He doesn’t text them, unless they start the conversation. He doesn’t Skype with them. They have a cell phone and iPads. He could, he just doesn’t. He goes years without paying child support. He keeps taking jobs that interfere with his parenting time, because he doesn’t like regular jobs. He promises things and doesn’t follow through. He signed up to coach soccer one year. Showed up for one game, then just stopped. Not a word to anyone. Leaving the team without a coach.

So, I’m not hugely concerned about how they will still have a relationship, since I’m the only one making it happen anyway.

I learned several years ago, that it is better to think of Joe as the kids 16 yr old uncle, and have appropriate expectations for THAT relationship. He loves the kids, but not at the expense of himself. He will do what is best for them, unless it is inconvenient for him. He will do fun stuff with them, but leave me with the parenting. He’s a great teenage uncle. He’s not such a great 32 yr old father. When we mentioned moving he brought up several times how that would be great because then he has a reason to take vacations to Georgia.

Last night, we were talking and some things got lost in translation over text, so I asked him to call me. I said something about “I don’t want to bring it up if you aren’t going to let us go” and he said “I’m not planning on stopping you, I just need a bit more time to think about it.”

So, this sounds/seems promising.

Brad’s first promotion becomes official tomorrow.

I’m feeling really good. I apologized to Brad this past weekend. I said I felt like a fraud. I’m well enough to drive to the beach, but not well enough to do the laundry. And, for the first time, ever, really, he completely validated me. My entire upbringing was “if you aren’t well enough to haul three truckloads of wood from the back of an acre, to the basement, then stack it in the basement, while it snows, with -15 degree windchills you sure as hell aren’t well enough for anything you want to do.” if I couldn’t do THAT but they caught me reading a book later, I was called a liar and told I had to do twice as much the next day. So, I’m very sensitive about what I say I can or can’t do.

And, my lovely husband said he believed me. He said “I do think you are lying, I think you lie about being well though. I don’t think you were well enough to make the drive alone, but you did it anyway. You are wearing yourself out for what you want. I know you aren’t lying about being sick, I sat by you in the hospital for 5 days. I watch you shake and stumble and forget words. I’ve seen you cry because you can’t remember how to wash your hair. I know you’re sick. Quit apologizing for the days you can hide it.”

So, weight loss is progressing, Brad’s work is progressing, and the moving conversations are progressing. Things are going well.

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