April 2

April 2, 2003- That’s the day I found out I was pregnant with my oldest.

April 2, 2007-That’s the day I picked up the phone and a woman said “You need to know, I’ve been sleeping with your husband” (My x-husband)

April 2, 2012- That’s the day my divorce was actually final, I was free to marry the love of my life. My divorce didn’t “drag” on. We just split up and moved on. We didn’t worry about finalizing it until I realized I wanted to marry Brad.

April 2, 2015- Ummm…I’m down even more weight. It would be nice if I could say on this day x said we could move, but he won’t. I don’t think. Who knows.

Today, however, I feel melancholy. Not really sad. The dreary day isn’t helping any. I hate that my life and my choices are still even slightly controlled by my ex. I never should have married him. I knew that back then. Jesus…I knew it 12 years ago. I got married TWELVE YEARS ago, for the first time. How is that possible? I’m not even that old. This state won’t allow pregnant women to get divorced because they are “too emotional”, why the hell do they let pregnant 18 yr olds get married?

It doesn’t help that I had lunch with my aunt yesterday. Lunch went well, but she wanted to talk about my parents, about my bio father. I shut down the bio father conversation immediately. She’s far more obsessed with it than I ever was. And, I don’t mind talking about my parents to Brad. I can just say what I feel and what I think. With others it is harder. If they want to talk about how great my parents are, I throw up in my mouth a little and move on. I’m tired of being accused of being “bitter” and, if they love my parents so much, they will just go tell them about it.

If they are speaking poorly of my parents, I nod and say “how terrible for you”, though, I don’t understand the level of anger over $9 owed to you and a Facebook argument. I still don’t say much more. I know when my words get back to my parents, and they always do, that they will be brushed to the side, my parents will tell people on my “side” how crazy and delusional I am. I don’t want to deal with it.

So, I sit politely, and give the minimum response required to be polite and change the subject.

Whenever people want to talk about my parents, I come home dragging my left foot. I know it sounds silly, but, it’s apparently really common with MS. It’s a mini-flare up, generally caused by over-exertion or stress. It will go away. I knew I was going to bed early last night, Brad had a red-eye flight. I didn’t worry.

But, I’ve begun to realize, that these conversations with others come with nightmares for me that night. My new Fitbit Charge HR monitors your heart rate, and your sleep patterns. I slept great for most the night. But, there is an hour or so span, when there is no “sleep” marks, it’s all restless. I screamed in my dream, loud enough to wake me in real life. I checked my watch, my heart rate was 102. In my sleep. My normal resting heart rate is low 60s.

Today, I am melancholy, because the dream and the date just reminded me of people who promised to always be there for me. They lied.

I’m melancholy, because I’m kicking myself for believing it.

I’m sad over the things I took for granted, that I’ve lost over the last year. Obviously, you shouldn’t take people for granted, but we all do it. And, most of us will even acknowledge it. But, do you ever think how much you take walking for granted? That you know when you wake up in the morning, you’ll pop out of bed, slide on some sweat pants, and go start the coffee. I woke up, first of all with the dog laying ON me. I must have been flailing. I stretched and realized my knee wasn’t moving. I stood, and had to sit right back down to put on pants, balancing to put them on standing was just too much. I took a couple steps, and realized my left foot wasn’t going to cooperate. I had to really think about each step to make my foot work right.

I have a lot to do today, so, I’ll get to it, and be fine. I just needed some time this morning to pout. My skirt, that would look so cute with heels, is still going to look fairly cute with my practical flats. Speaking of my skirt, I haven’t worn it comfortably, ever. I am today. Luckily, lunch today is leftovers, so, I don’t need to worry much about lunch. Maybe my family and my ex-husband suck. But, I’ve go the best husband and kids, ever. My aunt and uncle would adopt me, if I’d let them. I have some awesome friends, and I’ve REALLY been working on making more. That’s hard for me, but I’m doing it. Brad’s in CA, and for the first time (in ANY of his relationships, including this one), it isn’t causing a problem. I remember when not talking to him for 2 days straight would freak me out, I’d wonder what he was “really” doing. Now? I figure he’s at work. IF he played hooky for the day, he went to Best Buy, and maybe the paintball store with his best friend. I think there is a bully pack walk tonight, so I get to take Trixie to walk, and nobody will judge her for wanting to attack every squirrel. And, all the other people walking their dog won’t cross to the other side of the street when they see the scary pit bull.

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